In On Becoming a Person Carl Rogers starts his book with a chapter called “This is me”. He describes his personal journey towards his own philosophy and thoughts on psychotherapy, while sharing some of his most profound realizations.
While I am not at the point in my life to share such novel and profound insights – and may never be – I wanted to share what is, to me, his most powerful idea. One that I have grappled with my whole life and continue to wrestle with today.
It is most famously described in his quote:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
On a conceptual level, it is an easy thing to hear and agree with. “Just accept yourself, silly!“. But in practice, it’s far more complicated. We are constantly bombarded with messages, ads and content reminding us on a daily that we are, in fact, not enough. Self-acceptance becomes not just difficult but almost subversive.
On the other hand, movements promoting body positivity, inclusion, and diversity have gained visibility and have undoubtedly done good. They have expanded what is seen as acceptable and helped normalize difference. But I would argue that for many of us, they have also introduced a subtler conflict.
Now that we have received permission to accept ourselves as we are it has almost become our duty to do so. We must see flawless, retouched bodies and embrace our own imperfections. Be reminded of the genius of others and accept our own mediocrity. When we fail to do so, we feel a deeper kind of shame – not only for not measuring up, but for failing at acceptance itself.
That is why – seen by itself – this quote doesn’t solve anything for me. While Carl Rogers himself recognizes it as a paradox, his message of acceptance still carries an implicit pressure to change, making it difficult to understand how one should accept oneself, while already doing it for the sole purpose of eventually changing.
In his book he manages to clear up this tension. He provides his perspective on his own early tendency to want to “rush in” and “fix people“, and his realization that accepting himself and the other leads to change coming about “almost unnoticed“. I find this concept most eloquently put in the following passage:
“In my early professional years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?”
I have always struggled with this. Providing this relationship for myself as well as for others.
For myself, acceptance sometimes seems almost like apathy. Accepting failure and not living up to your full potential. How can you say you care if you do not try everything in your power to change for the better? If you don’t repent and condemn everything you see as a negative trait or harmful behavior?
But as the famous Swiss psychoanalyst C. G. Jung put it:
“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”
Funnily enough, my first shift in thinking when it came to my own self-talk and the relationship to myself was through the works of Bob Rotella, an American sports psychologist. He introduced me to the notion of “becoming your own caddy“, which argues for a more compassionate and accepting form of self-talk. It directs your inner monologue in such a way that you think of yourself as a person to be coached/caddied, which for many people changes the way they would talk to themselves quite radically. If you played with a friend and wanted them to do well, most of us would probably encourage them instead of telling them that they suck or that they are a piece of shit (which we sometimes do to ourselves). In sports psychology, you want to discourage this sort of negative thinking, simply because it isn’t helpful to your own performance.
In a way, “being your own caddie” was my first introduction to cognitive behavioral therapy, since it emphasizes the importance of detaching from your own thoughts and judgments and realizing that they are not indeed facts and that you can “choose” to think differently about yourself as well.
However, accepting this concept as a sort of “mind trick” in sports was comparatively easy, since you realize the immediate utility of this sort of thinking in sports. In many other aspects of life it is much more difficult to provide this relationship to yourself, because we do not realize the direct value and instead feel like we are letting ourselves “off the hook“.
That is why many of us, including myself, fail to provide warmth, support and acceptance for not only ourselves but others as well in every day life. Especially, for those we care most about. The thinking is similar: You want to give them “tough love” and not coddle them. You want to help them become the best version of themselves. You know what is best for them and you know they will be happier if they changed this particular thing about themselves, or this problematic behavior. Instead of accepting them as they are, we try to “rush in and change things” inadvertently showing our most loved ones that we do not accept them as they are.
That, to me, is one of the grave mistake so many of us make on a daily: Instead of being our child’s safe haven – we become their first bully. Instead of being our siblings biggest supporter – we become a reminder of their flaws. Instead of being our partners shoulder to lean on – we nitpick their behaviors to turn them into the person we want them to be.
Accepting ourselves and others does not mean giving up on growth. It means realizing that growth isn’t driven by self-rejection.
That is why I would like to end my first post on the be biggest cliché there is: Be kind and accepting – towards yourselves and others.
Not just because it is the right thing to do – since all of us have inherent worth that does not rely on our achievements. But also and maybe more surprisingly to many, because it is the best way to help yourself and others to change and self-actualize.
Cheers, Mats